Not Quite a Vampire Harem, but Not NOT a Vampire Harem

Originally posted here on September 9, 2019:

writing-prompt-s:

You live with a Vampire. Every Saturday, you give them a cup of your blood, and they cook you a nice meal.

Here’s the thing, I assumed that the thing was a joke. It was just a humorous listing, right? 

“Fully furnished private room available in historic home, well maintained. Rural living skills are a plus- if you know anything about gardening or livestock, please consider us! Close to town but outside of the bustle, perfect for someone who just wants to get away! We have a household of mostly women in a variety of creative pursuits. Rent very reasonable, less than 200 per room, all bills including internet (we just got fiber!) but please interview for further information. Women preferred. Pets are welcome, though large dogs will need to be carefully introduced and monitored. House owned by immortal blood drinker, but very friendly and knowledgeable, just hefty sun allergy. Blood donations are accepted but not required for living here!”

Like, what? Sounded like a weird coven thing but 200 a month is SUPER REASONABLE, and I’d been struggling to find a place. I had three cats and a recent divorce, so if I could take my cats and could avoid being a cult member fuck it, it was worth the savings. 

So I inquired further, and met them at the house after the sun set. (I didn’t think of it as that, at the time, I was told the home owner generally was a night owl and while everyone tried to be respectful of sleeping times it tended to be a late night kind of household, which suited me just fine.) 

The homeowner gave me a tour, showed me which room might be mine and introduced me to everyone who lived there- a bunch of batty weirdos, to be honest, but seemed nice. One of them had moved out recently. Lionette, the owner, said “I don’t really charge rent, we just split the bills and I put back a little for the property taxes. It’s about 100 bucks a month, between everybody. I don’t sleep much so I do a lot of the cleaning, this is more of a hobby. I like to help people out. How many cats? I love cats.”

“Three?”

“Lovely.”

“What kind of deposit?”

“Oh, no deposit, per se,” Lionette said. “There is a thing. Most people thought it was a joke so I like to be clear about it. I’m a vampire.”

“Like, a psychic vampire or-”

“No, no, not a mortal who pretends. I’m ageless and immortal.” 

“Okaaaaay.”

“Here, look,” she took out a pocket knife, popped it open, and cut her pinky finger off.

I think I screamed a lot, but it started regrowing almost immediately, which was fascinating and gross.

I fainted at about this point, and came around to someone supporting my head, and Lionette crouched next to me. “I can find my own blood- and no, I don’t kill for it, I’m too old to need much, and I was never the ravening kind- but if you decide to donate a little I’ll cook you a nice dinner. I’m a pretty decent cook, and I know a lot of recipes that are older than the written word.”

“Uh,” I said.

“Seeing that and not running screaming is your deposit,” Lionette said. “What do you know about goats?”

“They’re hilarious?” I rubbed my face.

She nodded. “I’ve been trying to raise them, but most prey animals have a hard time with me. Tina is lactose intolerant so we’re trying goat’s milk, but they’re too afraid of me and we don’t have a lot of livestock experience. When you wrote in, you said you had some theoretical knowledge and liked most animals, so I thought you might be able to help handle them.”

“Humans are predators, goats live with us,” I said. “And livestock guardian dogs.”

“I think it’s probably the part where I’m nocturnal,” she said.

“Oh, yeah, that might be it.”

“Also, I didn’t know livestock guardian dogs were a thing,” the other girl said. 

“Oh lord.”

“Do you know how to tell the difference between a weed and a seedling?” the girl asked.

“Oh, lord,” I said again, for emphasis.

Lionette grinned at me. “I think you’re gonna fit in just fine.”

So, long story short, we’re slowly introducing my cats while I move my stuff in. Mostly the cats are getting along with each other, but the elderly terrier is a little territorial and we’re working him up to it. I think once he realizes they’re as lazy as he is, he’ll chill. I’ve been working with Lionette on sourcing the right dog for the goats, and about once a week she makes me a very iron rich meal in exchange for a really piddling amount of blood, when you get down to it.

Also I showed Tina and Liz how to properly weed, and we’re working on our plans for an expansion on the garden come spring.